Dating Files: A 50-year-old who wanted ‘someone I could have sex and/or go out for dinner with’

For a new series looking at dating in New Zealand, a 50-year-old on her second marriage revisits her post-divorce dating.

Note: While this participant is not currently dating, we have made an exception as we enjoyed her thoughts on dating after divorce.

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Age: 50

Gender: Female

Sexuality: Heterosexual

Ethnicity: Pākehā

Religion: None

Occupation: Programme director

My living location is: Porirua

The apps I’m on: I was on Bumble and Tinder but not anymore.

I’m looking for: When I started dating after my marriage ended, I was looking for that special someone. But after app messaging and some dates I actually just wanted someone I could have sex with and/or go out for dinner with.

Mostly I’m finding: It was a total mixed bag. Definitely had some total weirdos and whatever that bullshit ethical non‐monogamy is but also people who were looking for what I was looking for.

My last serious relationship was: I was with my ex-husband for 22 years. He broke up with me. We had lots of great times together but he never experienced parents that loved each other so didn’t know how to show me love which impacted how I was towards him. He also liked how I looked but was very critical of who I was. I was single for one year and on my fourth first date I met my now husband. We have been together for four years and got married eight weeks ago.

The worst date I ever had: My first date after my first marriage ended. The guy was nice but I was so nervous – I felt like I was cheating on my ex. He suggested camping in a really remote part of Wellington as our second date (me and my friends called him skin-suit). It was clear he was looking for a new mum for his kids and we would be spending our nights at home on the sofa and I like to get amongst it.

The best date I ever had: Second date with my husband. We had gone to a bar and had a bite and a drink. We were joking about things and he weaved in a chance to kiss me at dinner. On the way back to his car we heard what sounded like karaoke (neither of us can sing) and both of us looked for where it was coming from. That was a big connection between us that we both had that vibe to get amongst it on the spur of a moment.

The most regrettable thing I ever did on a date: Not trust my instincts. I went on a second date with a guy. It was at his place… a grotty student place. He was so full on when I arrived and I had to return to my car to get a corkscrew for the wine. I thought about bolting at that point and should have. He harassed me for a year even though I blocked him through every communication channel he contacted me through.

The best thing a date ever did for me: All the gentleman things, opening the car doors, getting off his seat, etc. I’m not old fashioned and am definitely for equality but it shows how much he was thinking about me.

The biggest red flag I’ve seen on a date: The dick that asked me about my job and then interrupted to correct me.

On a date I usually wear: Whatever I wore to work, my dates have usually been during or after work. So a nice dress.

I have sex when: I feel connection with the person. It’s got to be more than that superficial physical attraction. I can’t have sex with someone who is stupid, arrogant or mean.

I wish dating was: When I was dating I wished it was like it was in my 20s when everyone was single.

This is what I think about who pays on dates: Halvies, then after you have been dating a bit, take turns. But if one of you likes it fancier than the other, make sure it’s your turn to pick it up. I earn a lot and like to do extravagant things, so I would pay for those dates.

Three words that describe my dream date: Helicopter to Wharekauhau.

My dating advice is: I found my husband on tinder when I had given up looking for my next partner and was just looking for someone I could go out for dinner with and have sex with. People have this endless list of things they are looking for and when someone misses one checkbox they are written off. We all make compromises in relationships, imperfections make beauty. Look for connection and kindness, any other box they check is just a bonus.

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