Help Me Hera: I’m 24 and moving back in with my parents

Why do I feel like such a failure?

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Dear Hera,

I’ve recently made the decision to move back in with my parents. I’m 24 and have been living independently for the past six years in a much larger, busier city than the one my parents live in. My whole social life is there; I did my undergraduate degree and worked there. I’ve decided to move back for practical reasons (to save money) but mainly because I feel unmoored and don’t really know what I want to do with my life. Why does this decision feel like such a failure? I’m not really sure if I have a plan for what to do while living with my parents, and we get along well, but I feel such a sense of inadequacy and fomo to imagine all my friends living their lives without me. How do I regain my sense of agency and make this seem like the right decision?

Sincerely,

Hannah Horvath

Dear Horvath,

No matter how sensible the decision to temporarily move back home, it’s hard not to feel like both stepbrothers from the Criterion Collection classic, Step Brothers. But gone are the days when moving back in with your parents was a shameful indicator of personal ineptitude. More and more people are returning home, and the reason is obvious.

The cost of living is sickening. For a recent university graduate on a beginner’s salary, trying to pay off a student loan, it’s hard enough to get by without even contemplating saving. When the only viable alternative is working a miserable low-wage job, just to spend the lion’s share of your weekly paycheck on someone else’s mortgage, moving home begins to sound better and better.

Anyone who attributes your generation’s failure to thrive to a lack of tenacity or profligate hedonism is completely out of touch with the current economic reality. Living at home is no longer a marker of failure, but an increasingly common economic necessity.

It used to be affordable to work a minimum wage job and get a flat with a few of your mates, even if your job was bone-achingly dull and you were living in cheerful squalor. But as wages have stagnated, and the cost of housing and living expenses have continued to soar, the game feels increasingly rigged. What used to be a quintessential rite of passage has started to feel increasingly untenable. Not only is it harder than ever to get a job, this government is working as hard and fast as they can to systematically dismantle social safety nets, workers’ rights, fair pay agreements and educational incentives, all at the expense of workers and students, while offering generous tax cuts and welfare packages to corporate interests.

There’s no shame in moving back home to save a little money and try to get some clarity about what to do next.

You’re lucky to have parents with whom you get on well and who are happy to allow you to move home. But that doesn’t mean it will be an easy transition. It can be a huge shock to the system after so much independence. There’s nothing like moving home to make you suddenly feel like a hostage of the past. It’s easy to get sucked back into old patterns, or find yourself rehashing ancient arguments – becoming a version of yourself you thought you had transcended. It’s strange to be an adult in the place you were a child, both for you and your parents, who may also struggle to remember you’re a legal adult from time to time.

The best way to make this feel like a good decision is to make the time count for something. We don’t get many opportunities in our adult life to put our responsibilities on hold while we try to find some sense of existential purpose, and it’s up to you to get as much as you can out of the experience. It doesn’t have to mean occupational clarity. Maybe you’ve always wanted to study overseas, or write a book, or take a night class in woodworking. This is the perfect time to explore your options and interests, without having to constantly hustle to pay the next bill.

Something that might help is having some kind of goal or timeframe. It could be a savings target , or perhaps a date you want to have moved out by. But knowing that the situation is temporary might give you a little psychic relief, even if the date is a completely arbitrary one you can revisit at any time.

A little fomo is inevitable, but depending on how far away your friends are, you can still make an effort to go and see them from time to time. You could organise a weekend camping trip or keep an eye on cheap flights and go back for the occasional visit. Organise a monthly video call, so you have something concrete to look forward to.

It’s easy to fall back into old habits when you move home. If you were a layabout teenager, the best way to make the situation easier on both you and your parents is to make a point of sharing the household responsibilities, like cooking and cleaning. This sort of stuff will go a long way to making sure you don’t wear out your welcome. You should also try to enjoy this time with your family. You begin to develop a different relationship with your parents when they’re no longer your legal guardians, and this might be a good chance to get to know them in a different way or discover a little more about their lives. Again, you don’t get many opportunities like this in your adult life, so try to appreciate some home comforts and the chance to spend quality time with your family.

You shouldn’t feel embarrassed about your decision! The idea of moving out of home early and staying gone is a modern invention. There are many cultures and eras in which living at home is considered entirely normal. Think of it as a luxury. There aren’t many periods in your life when you have the option of abdicating all responsibility in order to try and discover what you want to do, or be. Use the time to think deeply about your life and to explore interests and hobbies you wouldn’t ordinarily have the patience or money for. But don’t forget to waste a little time too! Go and feed the ducks and stare listlessly at a local water feature. Run a few errands with your dad, and help your mum in the garden. The world and your friends will still be waiting, whenever you’re ready to return.