Love, actually, at 47: ‘The situation is deeply depressing and distressing’
In our series looking at relationships in New Zealand, a 47-year-old father struggles with his wife’s indifference.
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Age: 47
Gender: Male
Sexuality: Straight but with kinks
Ethnicity: NZ European
Religion: Post Presbyterian
Occupation: Public servant
Length of relationship: 23 years
Children: Three
How we met: Via mutual friends
The best thing about my relationship: We are a tight team when it comes to raising our kids. We love them ferociously and we are equally dedicated to seeing them thrive.
A problem we can’t seem to resolve: My wife can live without physical touch and I cannot. The situation is deeply depressing and distressing. To make matters worse, my wife doesn’t like to talk about issues in the relationship, while I feel it is critical to the health of our marriage. I don’t know what to do.
This is how we share/separate our finances: Everything is shared. We have several shared accounts for different things.
This is how we split chores and childcare: Although we are certainly not old fashioned people, there is a slight gender division of labour in our household. I do property maintenance and my wife does the cooking. However, I do most of the cleaning and cook once per week on Mondays. There is a lot said publicly about women having a high cognitive load in terms of managing a household and family. I am sure that is true, but I feel that the work dads do can be overlooked and unappreciated, too.
Our sex life in three words: Lack of effort.
The thing that makes me a good partner: I seek to listen and learn. I am sympathetic to how my wife feels. I give her space. I am generous with love and kindness.
The thing I need to work on to be a better partner: I probably need to better understand what the experience of peri-menopause is like for my wife because it certainly seems to compound existing marital problems.
What I most appreciate in my partner: She is a dedicated mother who gives what little energy she has to our kids.
What I most resent in my relationship: The lack of touch (sexual and non sexual) and the reluctance to speak openly and honestly about intimacy. It makes my soul want to shrivel up and die.
The thing that has changed the most about my relationship over time: I have learned that safety, security and predictability are great for raising kids but can suffocate a marriage over time. This has led to me wanting more novelty in our relationship, including introducing the idea of ethical non-monogamy for my wife and more trips away for the two of us. I want our life together to be more fun and joyful.
It would surprise people to know this about my relationship: We find it difficult to talk openly about sex and what we want in the bedroom. I have tried many times but it just ends up being a one-way conversation.
Our last big fight was about: We have cold wars rather than fights. Fighting would at least mean that there is some communication. Instead, resentment is expressed via cold silence and indifference.
If I hadn’t met my partner: I am inclined towards stable, long-term relationships, so I would probably be married with a long-term partner and kids and may be perpetuating the same issues I have in my relationship now. But, perhaps, I’d be with someone who is more inclined to communicate and be open to novelty in our relationship.
I expect my relationship to last until: My soul can no longer tolerate the lack of intimacy and crushes my mental and emotional health.
My relationship advice is: Make open, honest communication the foundation of your relationship and work on it early. Be honest about what you need in a relationship and take the time to understand what your partner needs.