Hannah McQueen: How to share the load of caring for ageing parents

The care crisis happening behind closed doors.

There’s a job in New Zealand that nobody applies for, with no interview, no contract, no salary and certainly no annual leave.

It’s a second, unpaid job for many adult children: managing their ageing parents’ lives. Medication schedules. Specialist appointments. Bank accounts. Phone calls in the middle of the night.

Across New Zealand, this is happening behind thousands of front doors. While we focus on pressure in hospitals and aged care, another workforce has emerged to hold the system together: the family “stepping up and stepping in” to fill the gap.

Jo Goodfellow, national services development manager at Access Community Health, says families rarely recognise the moment someone becomes a carer because the role “creeps up”.

What begins as popping in on the way to work quickly becomes co-ordinating appointments, medications and paperwork.

At the beginning, and if logistics permit, the work is shared between siblings. But ageing is rarely tidy. As needs become more frequent and decisions more complicated, the work starts accumulating, usually around one person. They notice what needs doing, get the call when something goes wrong and keep everyone informed.

Often, that person is a daughter.

Some 63 to 75% of informal carers are women, according to 2023 research by Carers NZ, while research from the American Sociological Association in 2014 found daughters spend about twice as many hours caring for ageing parents as sons.

Part of the reason is simple geography. According to Sage Journals’ Research in Ageing report in 2021, daughters are, on average, more likely to live closer to their parents, and proximity is one of the strongest predictors of who becomes the primary carer.

So, the saying goes, “A son is a son until he finds a wife, while a daughter is a daughter for life.”

It is an oversimplification, and plenty of sons provide extraordinary care. But the saying has endured because many families recognise the pattern behind it.

Financially, the cost is significant. Women are far more likely to reduce their hours, pause their careers or leave the workforce to care for ageing parents, according to Carers NZ. Income falls, retirement savings stop growing and years of lost earnings compound into a much smaller nest egg.

Emotionally, the burden is just as heavy. The primary carer is expected to know what is happening, make difficult decisions and explain them to everyone else. She uses annual leave for appointments; absorbs costs nobody notices and carries the constant mental load of wondering whether she is doing enough.

That creates a complicated mix of love, duty, guilt and resentment. She may resent siblings who question decisions without seeing the hours behind them. She may be exhausted, then feel guilty for wanting a break. She may conclude residential care is the kindest option, only to feel she has somehow failed by even considering it.

The greatest tension often comes when family dynamics collide with money. The person who has quietly carried the responsibility for years can suddenly find themselves challenged by relatives, or even in-laws, who seem more concerned with protecting an inheritance than protecting Mum and Dad’s wishes.

What is changing is what happens next

Historically, women carried much of the caring while men carried much of the financial responsibility. That outdated divide is finally disappearing. The people who carry the responsibility are increasingly the people shaping the financial decisions that follow.

This is the shift highlighted in JBWere’s 2024 report, The Growth of Women and Wealth. It estimates women will soon become custodians of more than 65% of intergenerational wealth. The significance is not simply that more women will inherit money. It is that the same women who have become central to family care are increasingly shaping how family wealth is protected, discussed and ultimately passed on.

That influence extends well beyond deciding who receives what. It shapes conversations about fairness, the family home, grandchildren, charitable giving and, ultimately, how parents want to be remembered.

As the population ages and the largest intergenerational wealth transfer in history gathers pace, the old separation between female care work and male financial authority will become increasingly difficult to sustain. The real tsunami isn’t simply more wealth moving to women. It’s more women deciding what that wealth is for.

Goodfellow says families often wish they had accepted support earlier, reminding us that outside help does not replace family. It allows family members to remain daughters, sons and partners rather than becoming exhausted unpaid case managers. Even modest support with personal care, meals or household tasks can preserve independence and reduce the risk that one person carries everything until they break.

The question ahead

As New Zealand’s population ages, the question is no longer whether families will provide care. They already do, quietly and in overwhelming numbers. There is honour in this, a deep sense of reciprocity in caring for your parents as they once cared for you – the circle of life.

The real question is how much more families can absorb before something gives: a career, a marriage, a sibling relationship or the health of the carer themselves.

Recognising this invisible labour, and the cost it carries, is the first step. The next is building a system that supports families rather than simply assuming someone’s daughter will step in.

Six ways to share the load

If you live further away, be slower to judge and quicker to help

Distance isn’t an excuse. Unsolicited advice is seldom valued, and less so if you don’t share the day-to-day load. Take on the paperwork, pay for respite or give your sibling a weekend off. Walk a couple of miles in their shoes first before you offer your “helpful ideas”.

Don’t wait until your family is in crisis to divide the roles

Agree early who will manage appointments, finances, family communication, home maintenance and day-to-day care. Sharing responsibility intentionally is far easier than trying to rebalance it once one person is already carrying the load.

Unlock the support you’re already paying for

An experienced GP or geriatrician can help unlock funded home support, respite care and government subsidies before you reach breaking point. Knowing what services are available, and when they can be accessed, can make a significant difference to both your parent’s quality of life and your own.

Protect both balance sheets

Don’t sacrifice your own financial security while protecting your parents’. A financial adviser can help you make decisions that safeguard both your future and theirs, particularly when big decisions need to be made under pressure. The best carers aren’t the ones who do everything. They’re the ones who build enough support around themselves that they can keep caring without losing themselves in the process.

Make your parents’ wishes clear before you have to defend them.

Talk early about care preferences, complete an Enduring Power of Attorney and document what’s important to them, in detail. The clearer their wishes are, the fewer arguments there will be over what Mum or Dad “would have wanted”. Left too late, this can become costly and a divider of families.

Parents play a role in this as well. A good enduring power of attorney and will can give steps to reimburse their children for costs incurred and recompense them for their lost wages, in providing care. Factor this in, to avoid sibling conflict later.

Hannah McQueen is the founder and director of Age Brightly. She is also the host of The Next Bit podcast on iHeart Radio.