Why Kiwi parents should stop delaying that London trip

If your adult child is living abroad, there are more than a few reasons to ‘carpe diem’ and book the flights to visit, writes Lillie Rohan.

There comes a point in every adult child’s life when their parents do something completely out of character, and you find yourself wondering: Are my parents having a midlife crisis?

This happened to me last month. After two years of asking my parents to come visit me in London, and hearing variations of “you’re so far away”, “it’s bad timing with work” and “the flights are too expensive”, my mum rang with an announcement.

Life, she told me, is too short. As a natural cynic, I immediately asked whether this meant her life was about to be cut short, and thankfully, the answer was no.

Instead, I got something much better. “Screw it, we’re coming,” she said. “You’re only going to be there for a little while; this has time pressure.” For context, she and my stepdad are in the middle of building a house, and the dates they’re coming, key team members of their business are on leave. They have very valid reasons to hold off, but they’ve decided all those things aren’t important because I won’t be in London forever, and they don’t want to miss it.

So here we are, planning an adventure that includes classic London pubs, a trip to Windsor Castle (a non-negotiable, apparently) and a Greek islands escape. I am very excited, especially because after telling my friends, I realised how rare this actually is.

It seems Kiwi parents making the trip over isn’t exactly common. One friend’s parents have talked about it for a while, but with no firm end date on his time in London (thanks to a British passport), plans keep getting pushed. Another’s mum would love to come but can’t get enough time off work to make a trip of that scale feel worthwhile. And one friend, who is getting married here in August, has parents who are hesitant about the long-haul flight.

Others face visa barriers that make visiting far more complicated than simply booking a ticket, and, of course, there’s the cost. But aside from all of the very valid reasons, there’s also something to consider from a child’s perspective as well: guilt.

Before I moved to London, my uncle lived here for years. He encouraged my nana to visit constantly, but she never did, and eventually there came a point where everyone knew it just wasn’t going to happen. I used to wonder why he didn’t push harder, but now I understand it in a way I couldn’t before moving here myself.

There’s something about asking your parents to spend thousands of dollars, travel for at least 24 hours and, realistically, get out of their comfort zone, that feels a little selfish. So, gradually, you stop asking as often, and you end up strung between desperately wanting them to come and see your life and not wanting them to feel any pressure to do so.

I feel this tension often, yet also nurse the suspicion that parents can underestimate what they’re missing, that they may need a push to come and visit. Of course, it makes sense why one would put off the ‘Big Europe Holiday’ until retirement, when you have more time and fewer commitments, but the future is rarely guaranteed.

None of us really knows what our world will look like in five years or even five months, which is perhaps why my mum’s sudden declaration that life is too short struck such a chord; it was the same reason I decided to leave a life I loved to move here in the first place.

The future also isn’t fixed. Sure, she and my stepdad could see London or Europe in five or 10 years, but they can’t always see it with me living here, which is what will ultimately make this trip so special.

They’ll still get to do all the touristy things like seeing Windsor Castle and enjoying a pint in a proper British pub, but they’ll also get the not-so touristy things like meeting the people who’ve become my family over here, see the places I love and get to know the version of me that only exists right here, right now.

That is a privilege for all of us and something I know we’ll look back on one day fondly, thankful we didn’t keep pushing it out until it became too late. So, if you’re a parent with a child overseas, I have only one piece of advice: screw it and book the flight. This has time pressure.