'I was told I was an abomination' - former youth pastor on why gay conversion therapy should be banned

Thursday, 26 July 2018

Ryan Curran-Pacquing is now living life as an openly gay man after years of suppressing his sexuality. This video was first published in 2018.

The church had always been a large part of Ryan Curran-Pacquing's life: coming from a staunch Baptist family he made the decision to leave school at 15 to pursue his life's calling of becoming a pastor.

'Christianity was all I knew growing up,' the now-26-year-old said, 'I became involved with a pentecostal church when I was 11, by my late teens I was involved full-time and I loved it, but I was always suppressing the fact I was gay.'

These feelings Curran-Pacquing had would eventually lead him to gay conversion therapy, a form of treatment or psychotherapy which aims to change, eliminate or suppress same-sex attraction.

The controversial therapy, also known as 'reparative therapy', has been condemned by many mental health organisations. Its supporters say it allows gay people to be 'cured' and become heterosexual.

Ryan Curran-Pacquing (left), is now happily married to his husband Jerome Gacusan Curran-Pacquing (right).

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Treatment can range from psychoanalytical techniques, counselling, behavioral modification techniques (involving electric shocks and nausea-inducing drugs), exorcisms, and even lobotomies.

Clinical psychologist Elizabeth Du Preez said the therapy was generally accepted to have a negative effect on mental health and emotional wellbeing as it could amplify experiences of minority stress, shame, stigma and self- criticism.

When Curran-Pacquing decided to confide in another leader at his church about his sexuality at the age of 19, he was sent to speak with a church counsellor and it was here he underwent gay conversion therapy.

'At the time this was happening to me I had no idea it was conversion therapy, I just accepted this was how I could be helped.'

During the sessions the counsellor focused on figuring out the 'root cause' of his sexuality, which the church believed had to be caused by childhood trauma.

'The counsellor told me if I just ate better, exercised more and read the Bible enough, God would heal me from my disease.

'I remember thinking I've tried all of this before and none of it worked so I stopped showing up to the sessions.'

Following the therapy Curran-Pacquing moved to Wellington and continued to try and hide his sexuality from everyone in his church.

'After the therapy I just felt like a failure, I tried so hard to pray it away and nothing changed. I asked God thousands and thousands of times to take the disease away and it was just such a damaging and difficult time.'

Eventually Curran-Pacquing felt as though he had no option but to leave his church, but the emotional impact the ordeal had on him led him to attempt suicide.

While he was recovering in a mental health unit he had an epiphany where he realised he didn't need to change himself to feel accepted by God.

'My whole life I had been told what I was is a sin and I was an abomination and I just had this amazing sense of relief that I didn't have to change myself anymore and it was a big process of letting go of my beliefs and accepting myself.'

Curran-Pacquing's own experience with gay conversion therapy has made him a strong supporter of the petition to ban the therapy in New Zealand.

The petition was launched by Young Labour and Young Greens on July 19 and has already gained over 11,000 signatures, one of them being Curran-Pacquing.

'I've seen the harm conversion therapy can do,' Curran-Pacquing said, 'and I believe it has a huge impact on our teen suicide rates. Being told your whole existence is wrong in a place where you should feel loved can have a massive impact.'

Creator of the petition, Co-convenor of the Young Greens Max Tweedie, said he believes New Zealand is lagging behind when it comes to equal rights issues.

'Conversion therapy doesn't work and the whole premise of it is saying who you are is wrong and that's incredibly harmful as a whole.'

Tweedie said he himself was asked to leave his youth group when he was 14 after he told them he was gay.

'I was made to feel wrong and rejected by people I had spent time with for years. It was damaging. I can't begin to imagine the damage conversion therapy could cause.'

Tweedie believes conversion therapy has 'no place in Aotearoa'.

'This is a key issue for rainbow youth that isn't being addressed and it's time to make a change.'

Green MP Jan Logie said she was aware of the petition and would be happy to accept its presentation in Parliament.

'I look forward to the petition being presented. The Select Committee consideration of the petition will enable us as a Parliament to consider this issue and develop a proper plan for dealing with this horrible practice.

'Conversion therapy is based on outdated assumptions about gender and sexual orientation. A person's sexual orientation and/or gender is a natural, normal part of their identity. Lesbian, gay, bi and trans people are not ill and do not need fixing,' Logie said.

The petition comes in the wake of British Prime Minister Theresa May saying her government would ban the practice within the UK.

Du Preez said there is no sound scientific evidence that gay conversion therapy is effective or ethical.

'Sexual orientation and/or attraction is not regarded as a mental illness and therefore does not require intervention.'

Executive Director of Rainbow Youth Frances Arns said it was difficult to know just how many people in New Zealand had been affected by gay conversion therapy.

'I had a Christian counsellor tell me hundreds and hundreds of people had been through Auckland services which if true is worrying.'

Arns said conversion therapy was counter-productive to what Rainbow Youth were doing.

'It's a practice that has gone under the radar for a long time, but now the government know about it it's time for a change.'

Dave Riddell, Principal of the Living Wisdom school of counselling, which offers 'Christian friendly counselling', according to their website, labelled the petition 'a very dangerous attack on rational therapy.'

'[This petition] is a very bad idea, morally, philosophically and not at all in the public's best interests,' Riddell said.

Curran-Pacquing is now living as an openly gay man and married his husband Jerome Gacusan Curran-Pacquing in June, they attend a church near their home on Sundays, when they have the time, and he now hopes to help other gay christian youth who are struggling with their sexuality.

'I didn't feel safe as a gay Christian in that church and that's a problem for a lot of gay Christian youth - find a church that accepts you and loves you just the way you are.'

The petition will be presented to the Justice select committee on Parliament's lawn on August 14.

NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE?

* 1737, Need to talk? Free call or text any time for support from a trained counsellor

* Lifeline: 0800 543 354 - Provides 24 hour telephone counselling

* Youthline: 0800 376 633 or free text 234 - Provides 24 hour telephone and text counselling services for young people

* Samaritans: 0800 726 666 - Provides 24 hour telephone counselling.

* Tautoko: 0508 828 865 - provides support, information and resources to people at risk of suicide, and their family, whānau and friends.

* Whatsup: 0800 942 8787 (noon to midnight)

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* Rainbow Youth: (09) 376 4155