I'm concerned about a friend/colleague: How do I help?

Monday, 22 June 2026

Question: I can tell my friend is struggling — they're quieter than usual, cancelling plans, just seem really down. I want to help but I don't know what to say without making it awkward or saying the wrong thing. What do I do?

This is one of the kindest questions you can ask, and one of the hardest to answer. Because caring about someone who's struggling is one thing — knowing how to help is another.

The good news? You don't need to have all the answers. You don't need to fix them. You just need to show up in the right way.

How to Start the Conversation

First, let's talk about the opening line, because this is where most people freeze. You don't need anything fancy. Simple and direct works best.

Try something like: 'Hey, I've noticed you seem a bit off lately. Are you doing okay?' or 'You haven't seemed like yourself recently. Do you want to talk about it?'

That's it. No grand speeches. No dramatic interventions. Just a genuine, caring check-in that gives them permission to be honest.

And here's what not to say: 'You seem sad, what's wrong?' or 'Cheer up, it can't be that bad.' The first puts them on the spot to explain themselves. The second dismisses what they're feeling. Neither is helpful.

Listen to Understand, Not to Fix

Here's where most of us go wrong: someone opens up, and we immediately jump into problem-solving mode. We want to fix it, offer solutions, tell them what they should do. It comes from a good place, but it's not what they need.

What they need is to be heard.

So, when they start talking, resist the urge to interrupt with advice. Ask open questions instead. 'How long have you been feeling like this?' 'What's been the hardest part?' 'Have you talked to anyone else about this?' “Have you felt like this before?”

These questions do two things: they show you're genuinely listening, and they help the person process what's going on. Sometimes people don't even realize what they're feeling until someone asks the right question.

And then — this is crucial — just listen. Let there be pauses. Let them stumble over their words. Don't rush to fill the silence or steer the conversation somewhere more comfortable.

Sit with the discomfort. That's where the real support happens.

Move from Dwelling to Doing

At some point, though, listening needs to shift into action. Not because you're trying to fix them, but because sometimes people get stuck in the spiral and need help finding a way forward.

If they've been talking in circles about the same worry or problem, gently try to shift toward practical steps: 'That sounds really overwhelming. What's one small thing that might help right now?' or 'Have you thought about talking to someone professional about this?'

The key word here is small. Don't suggest they overhaul their entire life. Suggest one thing. 'Maybe text your GP and ask for an appointment?' or 'Would it help to go for a walk together this week?' or 'Have you thought about taking a day off to rest?'

You're not solving their problem. You're helping them identify a next step. That's the difference.

What Not to Do

Let's be clear about what doesn't help, even though it's well-intentioned:

'Just think positive' or 'others have it worse' — dismissive and unhelpful

'Have you tried yoga/meditation/exercise?' — unless they've asked for suggestions, don't offer unsolicited solutions

Sharing your own similar story at length — a brief 'I get it, I've been there' is fine, but don't make it about you

Pushing them to talk if they're not ready — respect their boundaries

And whatever you do, don't tell them what they should feel or do. 'You should be grateful for what you have' or 'You should just quit that job' — it doesn't land the way you think it does.

Know When to Step Back

Here's the part no one talks about: supporting someone who's struggling can be draining.

And if you're not careful, you can end up burnt out, resentful, or dragged down yourself.

It's okay to have boundaries. You can care about someone and still protect your own mental health.

If every conversation leaves you exhausted, if they're relying on you as their only support, or if you're starting to feel responsible for their wellbeing — that's a sign you need to step back. You can still be supportive, but you're not their therapist. You're their friend or colleague.

It's also okay to suggest professional help and mean it. 'I care about you, but I think this is bigger than what I can help with. Have you thought about talking to a mental health coach or your GP?' That's not abandoning them. That's recognizing the limits of what you can offer.

And if they're in crisis — talking about harming themselves, expressing hopelessness, or showing signs of serious mental illness — don't try to handle it alone. Encourage them to contact their GP, call 1737, or go to A&E if needed. Your job isn't to save them. It's to help them access the right support.

The Bottom Line

You don't need to have perfect words or all the answers. You just need to show up, listen without judgment, and gently help them find a way forward.

Ask open questions. Listen to understand. Help them identify small, practical steps. And know when it's okay to step back.

That's more than enough.