LGBT Pride and dating: How bisexual women face stigma and hostility in relationships

Friday, 8 February 2019

A new study reveals many 'bisexual-plus' Kiwi women feel misunderstood and invalidated when dating.

Auckland University of Technology's Tara Pond is the first New Zealand academic to analyse in-depth the lives and romantic relationships of bisexual-plus women - those attracted to multiple genders.

For her PhD Pond surveyed 1000 women aged 20 to 88 who identified as bisexual, pansexual or queer. She found bisexual-plus women often experienced prejudice while in relationships with people of different genders.

Most Kiwi bisexual-plus women feel their sexual identity is obscured when dating men, Auckland study finds.

'When a woman's in a relationship with a man they look like they're heterosexual, when they're in a relationship with a woman they look like they're gay and so people will call them that. [Participants] felt quite invalidated or oppressed by those labels.'

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PhD candidate Tara Pond has conducted groundbreaking research on bisexual women's experiences of romantic relationships.

One participant anonymously told Pond she felt like a 'tourist' in the rainbow community. 'Biphobia may be more extreme from straight people but it hurts more when it's from queer people.'

Another said some lesbian women dismissed her when she came out: 'they're like 'oh you just can't make your mind up, so that's stupid''. A third respondent recounted having her sexual identity questioned by both straight and gay people.

'They're going, 'you're not actually bisexual, it's not really a thing, you're actually a lesbian in denial or you're a straight person who's pretending to try and trick us''.

Ninety-five per cent of respondents felt their sexual identity was less visible when they were in a monogamous relationship with a man than when they were single. A quarter agreed their sexuality was significantly or somewhat obscured when they were in an exclusive relationship with a woman or gender-neutral person.

Pond said the findings showed 'how we view sexual identity isn't reflecting how people are experiencing sexual identity'.

Some participants said they had to explain to their partners what bisexuality was and reassure them being attracted to multiple genders didn't mean they were more likely to cheat.

'Bisexuality is seen as all about threesomes and having sex or relationships with multiple people at the same time, or cheating on your partners - there's a lot of stigma around that,' Pond said.

Previous research showed young people who identified as bisexual or gay were more likely to consider suicide and had higher rates of drug and alcohol usage than their heterosexual peers. A 2017 University of Auckland report concluded young bisexual women often felt 'silenced' at secondary school.

Pond said acknowledging the stigma bisexual-plus people faced and making the sexual education curriculum more LGBTIQ+ inclusive could help improve the health outcomes of bisexual people.

RainbowYOUTH executive director Frances Arns said biphobia was a 'massive issue' both within and outside rainbow communities and the study's findings confirmed more work needed to be done to ensure acceptance of people attracted to multiple genders.

'Pride is a time for us to celebrate, and also to reflect and consider the work that lies ahead…Being seen for who you are and having your identity validated is a big part of everyone's wellbeing.'

Aucklanders come together tonight to celebrate the LGBTIQ+ community with Pride Walk.