One mother's desperation to help 6-year-old son who keeps running away
Friday, 28 October 2022
He’s a little lad with a cheeky grin, 6 years old, wandering the streets. But if you approach him, he will run.
On this day, Josie looks on as her son Jamie (not their real names) plays in the front garden with his siblings at their Christchurch home. Josie stoops to pick a toy up off the grass. When she looks up Jamie is gone.
It has only been seconds, but Jamie has already climbed the fence and is sprinting down the street.
Josie rushes to get her two toddlers in the car and drive to Jamie’s favourite haunts to look for him. Eventually, she gives up and calls the police.
**READ MORE:
* The boy who could name every dinosaur: ‘We tried to save him,’ family says
* Māori Party says 'rotten to the core' Oranga Tamariki should have been disbanded
**
They know Jamie well and soon locate him.
Just days before Josie tracked her son to a busy road, but he refused to let anybody catch him. When he saw his mother he ran dangerously through traffic to escape.
Jamie once walked 2.4 kilometres to Waimairi Beach. He often turns up at the local community pool because he likes the water.
Jamie has broken window latches and scaled fences to run.
Sleep doesn’t come easy for Josie. She is up at dawn, on high alert in case her son finds some way of sneaking out. There are locks on windows, and a room with a window facing the front garden is bolted.
But even with little means to escape, Jamie improvises. His cunning affects the whole family’s life. Josie can’t take him shopping. She tries to take him to outdoor activities but has to endure hostile looks from other adults when home time results in severe screaming, kicking and slapping meltdowns.
Jamie runs away so often, some neighbours know to look out for him.
Josie wants help. Most of all she wants her happy little boy to return. She fears Jamie will be hurt, taken or drowned. Without help, she worries he will go on to steal cars and end up in jail.
“That’s the route he’s going down,” she says tearfully. “I just want him to be happy.”
Jamie’s running began when he was 4 after his older brother, who was unhappy at school, ran off with him in tow.
Always a climber, Jamie often scaled furniture to reach doorhandles. Josie quickly learned to keep every door locked.
Initially Jamie’s excursions were short, and he was slow enough that Josie could catch him. Now he is too fast.
As a single mum, Josie has had many struggles with Oranga Tamariki over her children’s lifetime and feels that she is being blamed for Jamie’s escapes because she had severe mental health issues when her first son was born.
In an abusive relationship at the time, Josie suffered post-natal depression, but she has been well for the past four years.
But every time Oranga Tamariki is rung about Jamie running away, she feels forced to defend herself.
Christchurch GP and youth advocate Dame Sue Bagshaw previously spoke up for Josie after Oranga Tamariki threatened to remove her three children last year.
Bagshaw, who has known Josie since she was 11, wrote to Oranga Tamariki acting chief executive Sir Wira Gardiner calling for the “act of extreme over-zealotry behaviour” to be stopped immediately. Josie could be a good parent if she had the “right support”, Bagshaw said.
In a statement, Oranga Tamariki deputy chief executive Dee McManus Emery said the safety and wellbeing of the children at the centre of the case was their primary concern and priority.
Oranga Tamariki confirmed it recently suggested Josie put her two young children in respite care, so she could focus on Jamie, something Josie would never agree to.
“I told them this isn’t the help I’ve asked for.”
Now, Josie is trying to get medical help for Jamie.
She suspects he may be neurodiverse, and believes he is showing signs of obsessive behaviour.
Jamie was stood down from school last term due to his physical meltdowns which Josie says are triggered when he has to stop an activity he wants to keep doing.
At school, he had a teacher aide, but only attends for limited hours. Josie said he only ever wants to stay all day and be with his schoolmates. Now she’s looking for another school.
Josie has worked with the Methodist Mission and STAND to learn techniques on how to handle Jamie’s behaviour but nothing has helped.
Last week Jamie’s behaviour deteriorated, and he ran off every day, resulting in the police picking him up from a swimming pool and delivering him to Oranga Tamariki.
Subsequently, Josie contacted the Child, Adolescent and Family Mental Health Service, but they have not returned her call. Her doctor, Bagshaw, found a private child psychologist who could see Jamie immediately, but Josie was told by Oranga Tamariki that to get funding she would have to go through them, and get a referral from a GP.
Josie fears it could be months before Jamie gets the support he needs.
“I just want him to succeed and to go to school because he’s so damn smart. He can do any task he’s given in minutes. It’s not fair on him. He just has extra needs.”
Clinical psychologist Dr Melanie Woodfield says every behaviour serves a function, and it’s important to find out what that is. Children often ran away because of sensory issues, she said. To avoid a sensation like a sound, something visual, or a smell. They could also be avoiding a task, seeking attention or trying to get something they want.
Woodfield believes the best way to help is to stop the child from being able to run away.
She suggests parents try to talk with the child, be supportive, and offer “wonderings” about what might be going on with their child.
“[The child] almost always won’t be able to articulate why they are doing it especially if emotions are running high.”
Using an online programme such as Triple P, which is free, can help parents navigate children being defiant, not listening or having meltdowns.
“Parents aren’t necessarily the cause of their child’s difficulties, but they are really well-placed to be a big part of the solution.”
*CORRECTION: An Oranga Tamariki spokesperson says the agency offered respite care for the mother's two young children so she could focus on her older son, it did not suggest taking the children into permanent care. (Amended 9.51am, October 31, 2022)