‘It wasn’t her talking’: Inside the final months of a woman who lost herself in midlife

Monday, 8 December 2025

In a Wellington apartment, Helen Baxter was struggling with changes she couldn’t name. Her story - and those of thousands like her - reveal a hidden crisis reshaping the lives and minds of women across Aotearoa. Nadine Roberts reports.

Content warning: This story discusses suicide, and may be distressing for some readers

The bed is empty, left as it was the last time she slept in it.

Upstairs her widower, Chelfyn Baxter, apologises for the messy Wellington apartment, including a couch dusted in his ragdoll cat’s fur.

At night it’s where he sleeps, but it’s lonely.

That’s why Chelfyn (pronounced Kelvin) is getting ready to leave, but it’s not easy to box the memories of the life he once shared with his soulmate, Helen.

“I’m having trouble remembering the good days at the moment,” he admits “without it still spiralling into what happened at the end…”

It’s been a rough 14 months since Chelfyn came home to find his wife dead.

She had taken her own life after, in his words, her battle with perimenopause overcame the adventurous business woman he adored.

(A Coroner has ruled Helen died by suicide. According to their findings, Chelfyn said his wife had been unhappy for five years, with her mood worsening after a downturn in their business, six months prior to her death. Helen had experienced mood swings due to Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) patches prescribed for menopause, the findings say. She’d also been prescribed THC, though not by her GP. Helen’s GP said she had a history of depression, which was treated in 2019 with an antidepressant, and had not raised those concerns again. She had no history of suicidal behaviour, but the GP noted a concussion she suffered in May 2024 and the lack of availability of HRT patches as stressors.)

Regardless, by the end, Chelfyn says, Helen no longer resembled the confident go-getter he had married.

Unable to get out of bed, unable to face people, unable to work, she was guilty and sad.

“She felt like she was at the back of her mind,” Chelfyn says, “like something else took control of her mouth and said something horrible to me - that’s how disassociated she felt from herself.”

Not that it mattered to Chelfyn, who desperately wanted to help.

He just didn’t know how.

Helen’s story of an unexpected mental health struggle in her 40s could be seen as a sad isolated case linked to menopause - except it’s not.

Every day across New Zealand women are sharing similar struggles, and a sense of overwhelming hopelessness at a time of life when they should be hitting their professional and personal peak.

To understand why, you have to understand that menopause isn’t just a hormonal shift that affects the body - it can also impact the brain, according to a 2023 Australian study.

That’s because over the eight to 10 years it can take to transition through menopause, levels of key hormones like oestrogen, progesterone and testosterone rise and fall dramatically.

Those hormones aren’t just important for reproduction - they also influence mood, memory, sleep and even motivation.

When they fluctuate, they can disrupt key brain chemicals like serotonin and dopamine, which control mood and focus. For some women, that means anxiety, brain fog or depression that seems to come from nowhere.

Experts say these hormonal swings can be as profound for the brain as puberty - yet they’ve often been overlooked as a driver of women’s mental health struggles.

And that’s something New Zealand menopause expert Dr Linda Dear wants to see change after she conducted her own research of 4288 Kiwi women in 2023.

The results were confronting.

Almost two thirds of those surveyed had symptoms of low mood while 64% had symptoms of anxiety.

Worse - nearly one in four women said menopausal symptoms made them feel life was not worth living, 18% had thought about ending their life, and one in five women felt other people would be better off without them.

The findings were virtually the same in Australia where she surveyed 5000 women last year.

More sobering is the mixed medical response and lack of education Dear says she hears about from patients every day.

As the founder of specialist menopause clinic, Menodoctor, in Tauranga she regularly hears women’s “heartbreaking” stories.

But it was her own that led her to starting her own clinic.

“I was a GP and I turned 40 and lost my mind and didn’t really know why, and then I had a really hard time in my early 40s. It was then I realised I had been unaware what was happening to me and I was probably doing a really bad job with a hell of a lot of women.”

With the wrong doctor, women can end up “stuck”, she says.

“So many women say that GPs don’t really listen when they say “I’m not depressed” but women know the difference intuitively, probably more so than a psychiatrist does because it’s a different type of mood change.

“Sometimes,” Dear says, “it can get a bit judgy in the consultation between doctor and patient in that doctors see menopause as natural and it’s almost like a badge of honour if you struggle through your flushes and struggle.”

Chelfyn says Helen hadn’t heard of perimenopause when her moods began to fluctuate and she became agoraphobic.

Initially, she thought the wind in Wellington was getting her down as it often shook their earthquake flexible apartment. She never twigged it could be her hormones.

Helen had Aspergers Syndrome so sometimes struggled in public but this was different, Chelfyn says.

Normally socially confident, Helen was “really good” with going out with people or networking for their Mohawk Media business.

“And then her confidence went and she stopped. She would book things in and then not go to them. Then she started getting brain fog which for someone as intelligent as Helen, was really tough to deal with in the last two to three years of her life.”

Eventually, Helen’s own research led her to looking into perimenopause. So she went to see her doctor who recommended HRT in December 2022.

She was lucky.

Many women on menopause social media forums complain that their doctor will not prescribe HRT for various reasons, including the lingering influence of a 2002 Women’s Health Initiative (WHI) study that focused on women largely over 60 – a population quite different to newly menopausal women.

The study, which has since been criticised for how broadly its findings were applied, reported that HRT could increase the risk of heart disease, stroke and breast cancer in women who took a specific combination of oral estrogen and synthetic progestin for more than five years.

Research published in the years since has shown starting HRT earlier, near menopause onset, appears to carry a different risk-benefit profile than starting many years after menopause.

Dr Prabani Wood, a medical director at The Royal New Zealand College of General Practitioners (RNZGP), graduated medical school the same year the WHI study came out.

“So I was definitely part of a cohort of new doctors that were still told HRT and Menopause Hormone Treatment (MHT) was bad, and you are best to avoid it because of the breast cancer risk and all those things.

“It’s really weird how certain studies seem to get traction in the media and in the public and then it takes a lot of time to undo the harm.”

Wood says doctors are still dealing with the “fallout” from the study, and misconceptions around HRT. Much of the inroads doctors have made in treating menopause have come about from that same cohort of female doctors who want answers as they too begin to experience symptoms.

Now 48, Wood had her own personal struggles with menopause and turned to Dear to help. She is now on HRT.

“We’re all of that age - that cohort and we are all searching for answers.”

Research has now shown that women who wait too long to start HRT or don’t take it at all are at an increased risk of developing heart disease and osteoporosis- yet there remains a reluctance from some doctors to prescribe it, Dear claims.

“For some doctors there’s a bit of an attitude of ‘this is natural’, ‘we shouldn’t medicate you’ and ‘we shouldn’t interfere’. ‘You are supposed to lose your hormones’. So menopause makes people go a bit crazy in every sense and on every side. It’s a very interesting area of medicine that is so different to others in how everybody approaches it and this murky history HRT has had is still a big reason doctors are scared to give it to women,” she says.

But it remains a game changer for some women like Helen who seemed to begin to recover, according to her husband, albeit slowly.

On a regular supply of Estradot - Helen became Helen once more and the couple had the “happiest” six months in six years, Chelfyn says. They went on adventures and his wife was happy to be in public again.

She had, it seemed, her spark back.

Fast forward to June 2024 and Aotearoa was one of many countries impacted by patch shortages. Suddenly, the surge in demand and supply-chain complications meant New Zealand stocks were being limited or rationed.

Some women were given a replacement brand, but others like Helen reported they weren’t as effective, particularly if the patch didn’t stick as well as Estradot.

Anything that causes hormonal fluctuations, like women who start, stop and start patches will only make it worse, Dear says.

Which was what happened to Helen, according to her husband.

“From that point,” Chelfyn says, “it was just a downward spiral.”

With her mood flattening, Helen began to stockpile Estradot patches when they did become available - such was her fear of going without, her husband says.

She halved her dose by cutting them in half and her symptoms soon returned.

Unable to face each day until 5.30pm when there was no chance of an incoming business call, Helen just “curled up in bed” and was “really sad”, he says.

“I just didn’t know what to do,” Chelfyn shakes his head, “I was with her on her journey you know. I was being a supportive husband but with hindsight I can see all the things that would have made it worse.

“And then she stopped talking to me about these things…”

Helen died aged 51 on September 23, 2024.

Later Chelfyn found a note in a folder of important documents.

“It was quite a short note,” he says, “and it was just like ADHD plus menopause equals I can’t take it anymore.”

The power of one from half the world away

A recent review of research done on the potential link between menopause and suicide concluded there was “some” evidence of an association between the two - particularly during perimenopause.

Published in July, the UK review highlighted the importance of integrating mental health support within menopause cause and suggested further research needed to be undertaken to “clarify the mechanisms underpinning suicide risk” during the menopausal transition.

“Globally, there are calls for more women-specific health research and there is a growing recognition that the menopausal transition can increase the risk of significant mental and physical health harms,” the report said.

But its findings came too late for British teacher Anne Potter who began to struggle with anxiety at age 40 and told her doctor she felt unable to cope.

Her story has had a ripple effect for doctors everywhere, including in New Zealand.

The much loved teacher had no previous mental health history, but in 2008 she made three separate appointments to discuss her anxiety. However, she received no secondary help or medication.

Six years later Potter went back to the doctor who thought her anxiety and low mood could be a reaction to grief from a bereavement.

Between 2017-2019 Potter went to the doctor five times for gynaecological and gastro issues. Further investigations found no physical issues, and, according to a Coroner’s report, her doctor thought the symptoms could be related to anxiety.

She went back to the doctor a year later to again discuss her low mood, anxiety and stress about life in general.

But it wasn’t until 2021, 13 years after she first raised her mental health issues, that a doctor mentioned menopause.

By then Potter’s mental health had substantially deteriorated, according to the coroner’s report.

Between 2021 and December 2022, Potter started and stopped HRT and anti-depressants and had overdosed on one occasion, which led to her voluntarily admitting herself to a mental health ward.

Do you have a story? Email nadine.roberts@stuffdigital.co.nz

Although detained under the Mental Health Act, Potter was granted leave as long as she was with a staff member or her supportive husband.

On December 3, 2022 Potter went to a Christmas market with her husband on day leave. She appeared to be brighter, staff would later say, and she was granted overnight leave to stay with him at their home the following day.

But on the morning of December 5, Potter disappeared.

She had taken the keys to the car, and killed herself.

Potter was 54.

In the aftermath, Coroner Samantha Marsh’s investigation led to a spotlight on the lack of specialist menopause care in the United Kingdom in what some lobbyists described as being a “landmark” globally in recognising the links between the condition and depression.

In findings released earlier this year, Marsh said the lack of recognition of the importance of perimenopause and menopause “remains a significant concern”.

“Women continue to approach and navigate the menopause without the support of expert clinicians or practitioners who understand and can treat the symptoms they are experiencing.

“In my opinion, there is a risk that future deaths could occur unless action is taken.”

It wasn’t the first time Marsh had raised concerns. Last year she did the same after an investigation into the death of Michelle Moore, a 42-year-old Brit who died by suicide after she suffered mental health issues, thought to be related to menopause.

In a report on Moore’s death, Marsh said there was a “lack of understanding and appreciation of a potential link between menopause and a woman experiencing mental health decline”.

Why it matters

It’s easy to think of menopause as a private struggle - but the truth is, it’s costing all of us.

A joint survey between the New Zealand Institute of Economic Research and Global Women in 2023 found three in four women with symptoms said their work efficiency halved and one in 10 subsequently quit their job.

And that’s costing employers.

Research by the Mayo Clinic in 2023 estimated $3.1 billion was lost in productivity in the United States every year because of menopause.

According to Dear, even a 1% productivity improvement across New Zealand’s 1.2 million women who are 40 and older would result in a $160 million GDP gain.

This could in part explain why women representation at the top three tiers of senior management lags behind in the private sector, Dear believes.

In 2019, just 25.9% of board members in the top 100 listed companies in New Zealand were women.

“We lose leaders,” Dear says. “We’re not breeding anymore, we’re leading but sometimes we don’t lead because the symptoms pull us down.”

Then there’s the cost to our health system with women often undergoing unnecessary tests, visits to specialists, scans - not to mention a number of doctor’s visits when undiagnosed.

Dear has done an estimate and believes currently if health services and women are better educated it could save up to $2600 per patient in cases where women have been misdirected.

She says avoiding even 25% of these types of cases can save $525-$650 per patient.

That’s why she’s lobbying the Government to introduce a free menopause pack that is given to every woman when they turn 40 in the same way we give new mums a starter pack when they have their first child.

She also believes there is an inequity of care for menopausal women that needs to be addressed and wants the Government to support funding menopause consults for Community Service card holders.

Currently there is no dedicated public funding.

“New Zealand has an opportunity to lead globally by acknowledging menopause as a core public-health priority,” she says.

Wood believes Dear has been a “trailblazer” for menopausal women in New Zealand, and says while there is more recognition of the issue, and how it can significantly impact mental health, we have a way to go.

As part of a curriculum review Wood and the RNZGP are looking at how GPs can be better trained in women’s health and menopause.

“Menopause needs to be normalised. This is a normal part of life for every woman and we need to treat it as such and know what to do to support people - and we’re not doing that.”

Women’s Minister Nicola Grigg declined to speak to Stuff despite several requests and instead directed us to Associate Health Minister Casey Costello who did not respond.

Labour’s health spokesperson, Ayesha Verrall, didn’t respond to questions about if further funding and support was needed. Instead she supplied some general comments saying women were fortunate to live in a time when there was an increasing awareness of menopause.

“The range of symptoms is wide and can affect women in very different ways - some quite severely… It’s crucial that women are listened to and not have their symptoms dismissed.”

Verrall said the first port of call for every woman should be the family doctor.

“Labour recently announced a health policy that would see every New Zealander get three free visits to the doctor a year, because the cost of seeing your GP shouldn’t be a barrier to better health.”

And then there is the social cost, which Chelfyn knows too well - the relationship breakdowns, families on the edge and some who lose their matriarch altogether.

“I almost didn’t make it myself,” he says. “For 11 months I struggled to find a reason to live.”

Legacy

“Is it your wish Helen, to become one with this man,” English actor Keith Allen says from the Pyramid stage at Glastonbury.

It’s the turn of the millennium and a beaming Helen Baxter, complete with a metallic staples dress and pink hair proudly says in a loud voice “It is” as she marries Chelfyn in a pagan ceremony conducted by Lilly Allen’s father.

Their ceremony was broadcast on the BBC and as Chelfyn watches it back he smiles sadly.

“It really was a time when there were no dreams too big - we just felt like we could do anything.”

Now he wants Helen’s death to mean something, and help other men understand what is happening to their partner.

“It’s not an if, it’s a when,” he says, “and when it happens the severity can go from almost nothing to putting her life in danger. You’ve got to be prepared for the whole gamut.”

To help, Chelfyn is developing an AI tool which will enable men to get support and advice. He hopes it will help save relationships that have been put under a huge strain.

“It’s hormones,” he says of the mood changes women can experience. “They aren’t in control. The hormones are having a go at you so don’t get angry at them, get angry at the hormones and give your partner a hug and help them through it because it does settle for 99% of women. They do get past menopause and thrive in the second phase of their life, and so will you.”

Stuff approached the Australasian Menopause Society for comment for the story, but it declined.

**Read Nadine Roberts’ *first person account of her struggles with perimenopause here.***

Where to get help

• 1737, Need to talk? Free call or text 1737 to talk to a trained counsellor.

• Anxiety New Zealand 0800 ANXIETY (0800 269 4389)

• Depression.org.nz 0800 111 757 or text 4202

• Lifeline 0800 543 354

• Rural Support Trust 0800 787 254

• Samaritans 0800 726 666

• Suicide Crisis Helpline 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)

• Yellow Brick Road 0800 732 825

• thelowdown.co.nz Web chat, email chat or free text 5626

• What's Up 0800 942 8787 (for 5 to 18-year-olds). Phone counselling available Monday-Friday, noon-11pm and weekends, 3pm-11pm. Online chat is available 3pm-10pm daily.

• Youthline 0800 376 633, free text 234, email talk@youthline.co.nz, or find online chat and other support options here.

• Aoake te Rā 0800 000 053

• If it is an emergency, click here to find the number for your local crisis assessment team.

• In a life-threatening situation, call 111