When the biscuits go stale, the bunfight begins

Monday, 27 July 2020

OPINION/SATIRE: There was yet more dysfunction, exchanging of legal opinions and accusations of undemocratic behaviour at last week’s Wellington City Council meeting. The trouble started at afternoon tea. As biscuits were being retrieved from the kitchenette, it was found that one of the packets of Chocolate Thins had passed its best-by date.

Council officers promptly issued councillors with three options for new biscuits: 1) Huntley & Palmers with no toppings; 2) Shrewsburys with a sticky centre; or 3) MallowPuffs. Councillors immediately rejected MallowPuffs – the most expensive option – even though they were the preferred biscuit of council officers. “Officers should be investigating less expensive options like Krispies,” argued councillor Fleur Fitzsimons.

Iona Pannett agreed. “Don’t forget that chocolate biscuits often use palm oil which threatens the habitats of endangered orangutans.”

Council officers suggested that Pannett’s preferred option of cheap dry cracker biscuits wouldn’t be much fun during long council meetings. “Denying yourself pleasure lies at the heart of Green politics and I have no problem with that at all,” argued Pannett.

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Lambton Ward councillor Tamatha Paul also supported the cheaper option and expressed concern that biscuits were currently kept in the bottom cupboard of the kitchenette. “By 2070 much of Wellington’s CBD will be under water thanks to sea level rise, so the least we could do is stack our biscuits in the top cupboard above the sink. We should also consider investing in kayaks so in the future councillors can paddle to the kitchenette at afternoon tea-time.”

Mayor Andy Foster was appalled that councillors had aired their opinions about the biscuit options in public before the consultation process had started. He sent a letter, after taking legal advice, strongly advising councillors not to publicly voice their opinions about their preferred biscuit brand.

However, councillor Fitzsimons, herself an opinionated lawyer, sought a legal opinion from another lawyer who opined that his opinion was that Fitzsimons had a legal right to voice her opinion, though his opinion could be seen as a matter of opinion, in his opinion. However, the mayor, via an opinion piece in the opinion section of an opinion website named Opinion, disagreed. “We need to listen to ratepayers and see what they think, not force our opinions on others,” he said, forcing his opinion on others. “We should all go out there using two ears,” said Foster, which drew immediate protests from the Vincent van Gogh Society.

Left-leaning councillors were further dismayed when council officers suggested that the whole biscuit-buying operation could be privatised. Under the scheme, a private operator could buy biscuits on special at supermarkets then later be reimbursed by council. “Biscuit buying or any other council services will be privatised over my dead body,” exclaimed councillor Rebecca Matthews.

Council officers then spent a week drafting a background paper on the merits of buying biscuits over the dead body of a councillor, and found that there were considerable legal risks, not to mention health and safety issues.

Nevertheless, some Right-leaning councillors still fully supported it.

Forelocks were also tugged over the vexed issue of disposal of the plastic biscuit wrappings. Council officers suggested two options: 1) buying new recycle bins; or 2) enlarging and strengthening existing bins. Councillor Sean Rush’s motion to add a third option of simply throwing the empty biscuit packets into the harbour was lost by a large margin.

With allegations that the council was an undemocratic body being flung around, tempers began to fray. Council CEO Barbara McKerrow appealed to her councillors to not behave like a bunch of naughty secondary school students. She then promptly summoned them to her office the next day. After a quick uniform check and a stern telling-off, she gave them all detentions and put a couple on rubbish duty.

But the good news was that after their dispute, Foster and Fitzsimons met over a cup of tea and a MallowPuff and issued a joint statement on the back of a large council legal bill that said, in fact, councillors could state an opinion. Hallelujah! The two said that they had agreed to draw a line under the matter and move on.

Unfortunately, Fitzsimons wanted to draw a red line under the matter whereas Foster saw that as too party-political. He suggested drawing a dotted black-and-white line under the matter, which Fitzsimons rejected as confusing, expensive, and impossible to implement. Predictably, this was exactly the option council officers preferred. Eventually a rainbow line was agreed upon by all parties.

Thanks to the lengthy biscuit debate, there was little time to debate minor issues such as the future of the library and a possible 16 per cent rates rise next year.

A special catch-up meeting was mooted but councillors could not agree on a time so council officers drew up two options: 1) to meet for a weekend retreat, which was more expensive but effective; or 2) meet in a week with no council meetings. A third option of demolishing the present council and electing a new one found little support amongst councillors.