The after-life of Brian Tamaki

Saturday, 9 October 2021

Destiny Church leader Brian Tamaki speaks to people at the Auckland Domain during an anti-lockdown protest on October 02.

OPINION: This piece comes with a warning. It includes the word God.

A hundred years ago or so, I was on Twitter. That sandpit was tough. Full of animal waste. Too yuck to stay there. I got up, out, and went back to the swings and slides on Facebook and Instagram.

I've roamed about a bit on see-saws like Snapchat, TikTok, and Whatsapp, but they really are 'child’s play' compared to Twitter.

Twitter is to trolls what boxed wine is to a problem drinker. It just seems to live on by the spirit of bullies and the intoxication of 'mean'.

* Covid-19: Destiny Church's Brian Tamaki named as man charged in anti-lockdown protest

* Covid-19: Dozen complaints to IPCA over police not making lockdown protest arrests

I commented once that ardent atheists seemed to be almost 'born again' religious in their zeal. I felt it was a clever observation. I was apparently wrong and got a healthy lashing of vitriol heaped upon me from as far away as Texas.

Them serious atheists can serve up some eloquent hate. I no longer Tweet. I'm way too soft. So now I ask you, for just a couple of minutes to imagine, indulge me if you will, in a short 'God play' called 'What to do about Brian.'

It may sting a little. Not unlike a Covid jab, but feel the pain and read it anyway. It's necessary for this literary exercise.

The time: The present, October 2021. The place: Heaven. The characters: God, Allah, Hera, Aphrodite, Thor, Zeus, Shiva, Athena, Yahweh, Jesus, and co.

The scene begins with all the Goddesses and Gods sitting around in a magnificent penthouse apartment, lounging on 'bespoke' settees and floor cushions, with small crystal tumblers of absinthe or Perrier water, whilst nibbling on goodies off a large wooden platter [all kosher, halal, and blessed with holy water of course]. Kenny G music is piped quietly through surround sound.

God (the one with the long white hair): “I personally don't want my omnipotent name, 'God' to be associated with that Brian chap. Haven't met him. Don't recall having any banter with him. Don't like his hair or his attitude. Nope. He's not one of mine.Taketh him any one of you. Bags not!”

Thor (Looking dreamily like Chris Hemsworth): “I hate him. I want to smash him with my ridiculously large hammer. He annoys me. Oh, and I agree. I can't stand his hair.” (He continues to look macho despite hair comment.)

Jesus: “Be kind. Be forgiving. For he knows not that he's a pain in the ass (donkey). He's but a lost sheep that rides a motorbike, and perhaps has an unfortunate ego issue. Father I know not he (him?) but we must have mercy. For he too is a prodigal son, with bad hair.”

Yahweh: 'Oy vay! You want that I should claim this schmuck? Never! Let the Palestinians have him. Someone pass the bagels and lox this way.”

There are 10 ingredients in the Pfizer Covid-19 vaccine. A microchip is not one of them.

Aphrodite: 'Hmmmm he's quite hot. In a slicked back, crazy ex-boyfriend kind of way. Could I have him for the night then toss him back?” (Sly wink.)

Buddah: (Says nothing. Just slightly levitates 10cms off the ground whilst he wags a chubby finger in disapproval.)

Allah: 'He's an infidel. He's an infidel. Who are we talking about again?'

Zeus. 'He seems to have a following. Interesting.' (Looks terribly wise.)

Yahweh: 'Jim Jones had a following. Did that make him a GOD? What's taking so long with the lox already?'

Shiva, 'Kartikeya! Ganesha! Stop playing with the remote control!! (Stage whisper.) 'Sorry I had to bring the kids tonight team. Turn my back for a minute and there they are trying to destroy the world.'

Hera, 'Kids right? I have seven of them. It's a circus. But back to this Brian character. He speaks of us as if we know him. Bit cheeky yeah? I hate name-droppers. I tire of them so quickly. Oh, and I fully agree they should have arrested him. If only for the crimes against hairdressing.” (She is fed a grape from a young Apollo.)

God, (The long white-haired one again).. ” Well are we all in agreement that he's not the son of any of us-then-eth?? All in agreement say 'Hallelujah!'

They all murmur, nod, and levitate in hearty agreement.

Beyonce: 'Hey, what the hell y'all doing in my apartment?'