Media drongos and inside the 'Grumpy Old Men' WhatsApp chat group

Monday, 6 February 2023

Auckland Mayor Wayne Brown held a press conference on Monday morning. He urged residents to remain vigilant.

Dave Armstrong is a playwright and satirist based in Wellington.

SATIRE: Auckland Mayor Wayne Brown made his notorious ‘drongo’ comment in his ‘Grumpy Old Men’ WhatsApp tennis chat group. What else went down that day? Luckily, I have drawn on my vast investigative skills to bring you the transcript of the entire conversation.

Browny: Sorry guys, game’s off. I’ve got to deal with media drongos over the flooding so sadly no tennis for me tomorrow.

Scroaty: No probs Browny, my kayak’s sprung a leak anyway.

Mayor Wayne Brown extends state of emergency in Auckland in one of the professionally produced videos.

* Auckland floods: Independent review into flood response to be led by former police commissioner

* 'Stay out of the water' Auckland message as city faces flooding clean up with a 'long tail'

Hendo: I can pick you up in the jetski.

Biffo: Those media drongos are really on your case, Browny. Have you considered talking to them?

Browny: Piss off, it’ll only encourage them. And I wish my councillors would stop bleating on social media. Who cares what community centre they’re at or what to do if you’ve lost your home?

Biffo/Hendo/Scroaty: Onya Browny.

Fesso: Mālō Wayne. You coming out to Māngere to survey damage? Maybe help with relief parcels? Would be a good look.

Browny: Fesso, what are you doing on my tennis chat? Never seen you at the club in Remmers.

Fesso: One of your guys said this group was the best way to get hold of you since you don’t talk to anyone else.

Browny: Sorry, Fesso, too busy with real work. Not grandstanding like those All Blacks, unloading a few groceries, thinking that’s solving the problem.

Beaudie B: Hey Doofus, at least we’re doing something.

Browny: Kiss my arse. Like I care what a flashy, overrated ex-Hurricane thinks. Did you get 188k votes? Besides, this is a private chat group.

Beaudie B: Yeah, but your media guys …

Browny: Okay. Okay. Can we all focus on the most urgent issue at hand? Tomorrow’s tennis game.

Biffo: Hey Browny, did you see Novak at the Open? Killer service, lethal backhand.

Aileen: Aileen from the apartment downstairs here, Browny. Do you have water dripping from your roof? It’s streaming into my lounge.

Browny: Aileen, this is a tennis chat group …

Aileen: Yeah, but your media guys …

Browny: Okay, okay. Does everyone have to go on about this blimmin’ flood? Aileen, I’ve checked my ceiling – it’s not leaking. Now onto the main issue: we could reschedule for sparrow’s fart Tuesday provided those drongos …

Deso: Wayne, Desley here.

Browny: OMG. What now?

Scroaty: Browny, I know Novak’s dodgy on the vax thing, but if you could possibly use your powers to get him to the Auckland Open …

Deso: Breakfast TV want someone to explain our slow response. And since you’ve turned down over 100 media requests …

Browny: Go for it, Deso. Fill your boots.

Auckland Mayor Wayne Brown and PM Chris Hipkins at a press conference on January 28 to address flooding in Auckland.

Deso: Probably not the best term to use this week, Browny, but thanks. It’s good to see you’re a big part of the problem, I mean solution.

Chippy: Hey Browny, Chippy here.

Browny: This group is meant to be PRIVATE!!! Let me guess – my media told you that this group was the best way to …

Chippy: No, I just got my GCSB guys to hack in. Anyway, The Hercules has got me to Auckland, and I thought you might like to front up with me …

Biffo: Prime Minister, welcome to Grumpy Old Men whatsapp group. I know you were previously Covid minister, but what are the chances of getting Novak …

Chippy: Not top priority, Biffo.

Hendo: But he has an unbelievable serve!

Scroaty: Or even Nadal would be amazing.

Aileen: Browny, it’s getting worse. The lift’s not working. Could you just check your apartment?

Browny: Why is EVERYONE on my case? I said I wouldn’t necessarily work at weekends. And I’m only being paid 296k a year. Not huge.

Luxo: Not huge at all, but have your heard that the Labour government is closing schools for a week!

Browny: Luxo, how did you get …

Luxo: Your media guys. Do you know what this terrible government …

Browny: Calm down Chris.

Chippy: I’m perfectly calm.

Browny: Other Chris.

Luxo: Closing Māngere schools I can understand but closing Grammar!

Scroaty: Their underwater hockey team can train on my lawn.

Aileen: Browny, I can definitely hear water coming from your bathroom.

Browny: Bugger, I left my bath on. Sorry Aileen. Off now.

Hendo: Browny, the media are going crazy out there. I think a public apology might be in order.

Beaudie: Oath.

Chippy: Good point, Hendo.

Luxo: Good point, Hendo. In fact, National think it’s an even better point than Labour does.

Browny: Okay, here goes. “People, I dropped the ball on Friday, I was too slow to be seen, the communications weren’t fast enough, including mine, I’m sorry for that. I profusely apologise to my doubles partner Hendo for not calling for that ball on the crucial match point then dropping it into the net.”

Chippy: Browny, I think Hendo meant an apology for the situation with the flooding.

Browny: Oh, that old thing. Onto it now. Cheers guys and I’ll have a time for our next game as soon as the council muppets send me an email with all the flooding information.