Pets are not immune from surging family violence
Friday, 1 May 2020
Under lockdown, even good relationships are being strained. Those in bad relationships are truly suffering. New Zealand is seeing a surge in family violence, and pets are not immune. A new shelter, Pet Refuge, aims to help women escape. Here, one woman shares her story.
OPINION: He was the most beautiful dog in the world. I’d walk Jem every morning to the park, where a group of us regularly met for a chat while the dogs ran around us.
It was my moment of peace, a chance to laugh, to smile without fear. An opportunity to be myself before I returned to my husband, waiting on the front porch, always berating me: “Where have you been? Why have you been gone so long?”
He’d lash out at the dog, and Jem would whimper with that look in his eyes of, “Why did you do that? What did I do?”
My abuse was mostly mental. I remember being on a flight once and talking to the person sitting next to me and my husband moved to the back of the plane.
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Then, he wouldn’t talk to me for the next day because I’d had a conversation with someone else.
So then you stop talking to people.
It’s the mental scars that make it really hard for women to get out, because there’s just no strength. There’s no fight left. You think you’re useless and you’re hopeless - and that’s how they make you stay.
He would scare me by saying things like, “Children whose parents separate commit suicide at a higher rate than other kids.”
Towards the end it got more physical. I put it down to him being drunk - but it was always there. If he was playing tennis and he didn’t win he’d smash his racket.
He smashed the car window when the kids were sitting inside. The worst assault was when he strangled me, saying, “I just hate you so much I want to kill you.”
But I got out. I got a job and saved for a year, so I had my own money and I was able to rent a place.
I left with the kids. But the landlord didn't allow dogs, so I had to leave Jem behind. It was heartbreaking. Jem meant everything to me. He’d lick the tears off my face when I’d be sitting in the hallway crying at the unbearableness of it all.
He’d sit down next to me and not leave my side. So to then have to leave him, it felt like a betrayal. After I left, my husband would send photos of Jem, taunting me to come back to our “perfect” life.
I’ve been thinking about the hopelessness that women in violent situations must be feeling in lockdown. You add money worries, noisy kids at home, and nowhere to go and they’re going to bear the brunt of all that.
The challenge of trying to survive and protect kids and animals and yourself… I imagine they’re at rock bottom, feeling like they’ve dug into every last reserve they’ve got.
In the end I snuck Jem into our rental, which I still feel terrible about. There was no other option - but soon there will be.
The Pet Refuge will be New Zealand’s first shelter dedicated to looking after animals, while their owners get out of violent relationships.
It would have been such a saviour. I could have just taken everyone and gone, knowing our dog was happy and safe until we could be reunited. I’ve bought Jem a place on the Pet Refuge honours board.
There are so many facets or layers to extract yourself from these situations, but I came out of it stronger. And I wish all the women in unbearable situations, unable to get out during this time, the strength to leave as soon as they can.
The Pet Refuge shelter is currently being built. It will be a purpose-designed building providing temporary shelter and security for pets in family violence situations. Pet Refuge has partnered with Women’s Refuge and Shine to assist pets via referrals. Animals will be transported from around New Zealand to the shelter’s confidential location. Click HERE to donate.
WHERE VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE CAN GET HELP
Women's Refuge (For women and children) - 0800 733 843.
Shine (For men and women) - free call 0508-744-633 between 9am and 11pm.
1737, Need to talk? Free call or text 1737 any time for mental health support from a trained counsellor
What's Up – 0800 942 8787 (for 5–18 year olds). Phone counselling is available Monday to Friday, midday–11pm and weekends, 3pm–11pm. Online chat is available 7pm–10pm daily.
Kidsline – 0800 54 37 54 for people up to 18 years old. Open 24/7.
Youthline – 0800 376 633, free text 234, email talk@youthline.co.nz, or find online chat and other support options here.
If you or someone else is in immediate danger call 111.