Why has your partner really stopped initiating sex?
Saturday, 13 June 2026
Sofie Louise is a trained sex and libido coach who is passionate about supporting women to access more desire, pleasure and radiance in the bedroom.
OPINION: Countless women have sat in sessions with me while their mind runs wild with all the possible reasons their partner has stopped trying to have sex with them.
They assume it must be because he’s no longer attracted to them since they gave birth and their body changed. Maybe it’s a sign that he's bored of the sex they’ve been having. Or could it mean he’s having a secret affair?
Regardless of whether you’re a man or a woman, fear, confusion, and insecurity are all pretty common experiences if your partner stops initiating sex. And that’s partly because we tend to believe that relationships “should” involve your partner regularly making advances towards you.
It’s often part of our idea of what a passionate, loving fairytale ending looks like, and it’s also tied to our broader understanding of gender roles.
There’s the stereotype of men being sex-obsessed, always in the mood, and unhappy in a relationship if they aren’t getting enough of it. So what does it mean if your male partner never seems to feel frisky any more?
Then there’s the stereotype that, while women supposedly don’t like sex as much as men, they’ll do it for their partner because they love them. So again, what does that mean if your female partner never initiates any more?
These are obviously generalisations that aren’t true all of the time (or even close to it).
But when your partner’s actions no longer align with your ideas about what they “should” be doing, it’s easy for the logical part of your brain to shut down and start making up all sorts of stories that keep you up at night.
From my experience, whatever reason you think your significant other isn’t initiating is most likely based on your own fears and past experiences rather than what’s actually happening.
For example, if you’ve been cheated on in the past (particularly if it happened more than once), you’re more likely to assume your current partner is getting sex elsewhere. Or if you were bullied about your weight when you were younger and it created ongoing insecurities, you might assume your partner is no longer attracted to your body and that’s why they don’t make a move.
It’s easy to get caught up in those thoughts and assume they’re the truth. But what I see almost every time is that your partner’s experience is different to what you assume it is. And the only way you’ll ever get peace of mind (and be able to do something to change the situation) is if you ask them.
“Why don’t you initiate sex any more?” can feel like a particularly vulnerable question to ask the person you love, so take some time beforehand to get in the right mindset.
Remind yourself that sex and relationships are nuanced, and that every couple goes through periods of mismatched desire. Do your best to approach the conversation from a place of problem-solving, letting them know you want them to be honest. And know that you can take some deep breaths or pause the conversation if you start feeling defensive or hurt.
Their answer might be something simple and benign, like that one of the side effects of their new medication is a lowered sex drive, or that they’ve been so caught up in work stress they haven’t had time to even think about being intimate.
But the answer could also be that they’re still holding onto hurt from the times you’ve told them ‘no’ in the past, or that they want something different from the sex you’ve been having.
Regardless, having this conversation is the most important thing to do if you want them to start initiating again.
It’s how you’ll get back on the same page, stop your mind from running wild with hypothetical situations, and start working out the action steps that’ll get your sex life back on track.