Brooke van Velden to depart, leaving her leader in a trail of flaming debris

Saturday, 28 March 2026

Andrew Gunn is a Christchurch-based film and television scriptwriter, and columnist.

SATIRE: A subdued David Seymour has admitted being secretly jealous of his deputy.

Brooke van Velden this week announced her retirement from Parliament after cutting a swathe through the norms of the social contract like a chainsaw through a beloved teddy bear. She will now launch herself into late-stage capitalism, continuing a career-path described by some as meteoric, in the sense of obscuring the Sun and leaving a trail of flaming debris.

Reflecting on van Velden’s achievements and prospects as he glumly nursed a coffee not made from sustainable beans grown by fairly-paid farmers because that would be woke, Seymour lamented that he too could have been a contender.

“When I described Brooke’s career as ‘near-perfect’ I really meant it. The only thing not perfect about her career is that it wasn’t mine,” confided the long-time public servant.

“I mean, scrapping 33 pay equity claims already in progress. That’s nothing short of historic. It really takes a certain mindset to deliver that kind of execution.

“Also, she could have run with the crowd and supported legislation outlawing modern slavery, but she was her own woman. Unlike many of the modern slaves, obviously. Talk about gutsy.”

“And remember what she said about Covid? She said, ‘We completely blew out what the value of a life was, completely, I've never seen such a high value on life’. Just breath-taking. The quote I mean, not the Covid.

“And whenever I don’t tip an Uber driver because I let the market determine prices, I always think of Brooke.

“You look at all that and you think compared to that, well, screwing down the cost of school lunches until they become inedible seems like small potatoes. Mouldy, burnt, small potatoes.”

Reminded that in his own time he had voted against a ban on semi-automatic weapons and joked about bombing the Ministry of Pacific Peoples, Seymour brightened momentarily before slumping back, shaking his head and saying quietly, “it’s not the same”.

Seymour was once envisaged to be a future bestrider of the world of commerce, notably by himself. But his upwards trajectory to master of the laissez-faire-o-sphere was sidetracked by a stint working for wacky Canadian think-tanks, and its fate sealed when he took a central government role as MP for Epsom.

“He was essentially a diversity hire,” an anonymous National party source says of the arrangement to divert votes Seymour’s way.

“I mean, there’s no-one else like David, right? It was clear he wasn’t going to make it into Parliament by his own efforts, so we gave him a hand up. Like welfare, but only for the deserving. And not like Brooke, obviously. She won that seat on her own. Amazing.”

Pressed for comment, van Velden said that once she has established herself in the private sector she would be happy to offer Seymour a job, although it would be on pay, terms and conditions totally dictated by her.

“On the upside, because he is a man there’s a chance he’ll be paid more, so he has got that going for him.”