My cats gave me the courage to leave my abusive partner

Monday, 24 August 2020

'When my husband threatened to kill them, that was the moment I knew I had to do something.' (FILE PHOTO)

Under lockdown, even good relationships can be strained. Those in bad relationships are truly suffering, and even pets are not immune. A new shelter, Pet Refuge, aims to help women escape. Here, one woman shares her story.

OPINION: I’ve been praying for all the women - and their beloved pets - experiencing violence in lockdown. They’ll feel like they’re just part of this bubble they won’t ever be able to get out of. Like they’ve got a noose around their neck, and no one cares.

It’s only because I love my cats that much that I reached out and told my dad. They were like children to me. So when my husband threatened to kill them, that was the moment I knew I had to do something. It was beyond anything I could bear any more. My dad said, “If he’s threatening the cats, what’s he doing to you, honey?” And I told him everything.

I was married to this man for 15 years. He wasn’t violent at first, but over time everything changed. He became controlling. I wasn’t allowed to go and visit any girlfriends. He started telling me I was ugly and fat and hopeless in bed. In the end, the loaded pistol was the worst, always beside him. He’d threaten me so I wouldn’t tell anyone anything. It was terrifying.

He treated the cats as if they were a nuisance. He never petted them or had them on his knee. If they didn’t get out of his way he would kick them. I used to walk along the hallway protecting them. So leaving them behind was never an option for me. I would rather stay in that relationship, I loved them too much. I’m the sort of person that would stand in front and say, “Hurt me instead.”

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But without Dad’s help I would have been stuck, because Women’s Refuge is unable to take pets. It’s why Pet Refuge will be so wonderful. It’s a shelter being built that will take care of pets while their owners find a new home. It will mean that women have got in the back of their minds that there’s an escape, that there is light at the end of their tunnel. Because I didn’t see any light. I was living in such a dark place.

I can still remember the day I left him like it was yesterday. I drove him to work. He picked up that something was wrong, so he pushed me hard up against his workplace door and put his hands around my neck and said, “If you don’t get back by 2 o’clock today I’ll kill you.” I can still feel his hands on my throat.

I call myself a survivor and a warrior, because I did fight back in the end. I got out. I’m proud of myself. I felt like I was ugly, and fat and not desirable. Now I get told every day I’m beautiful - by my cat, you know, with her eyes!

I just pray that my story inspires other women to reach out and tell someone. You can’t do anything about what’s happening to you, but you can change the channel. You can still have a good life.

The Pet Refuge shelter is currently being built. It will remove a major barrier to victims leaving abuse, providing temporary shelter for pets until they can be reunited with their owners in a violence-free home. Pet Refuge has partnered with Women’s Refuge and Shine to assist pets via referrals. Animals will be transported from around New Zealand to the shelter’s confidential location. You can donate here.

WHERE TO GET HELP

Women's Refuge (For women and children) - 0800 733 843.

Shine (For men and women) - free call 0508-744-633 between 9am and 11pm.

1737, Need to talk? Free call or text 1737 any time for mental health support from a trained counsellor

What's Up – 0800 942 8787 (for 5–18 year olds). Phone counselling is available Monday to Friday, midday–11pm and weekends, 3pm–11pm. Online chat is available 7pm–10pm daily.

Kidsline – 0800 54 37 54 for people up to 18 years old. Open 24/7.

Youthline – 0800 376 633, free text 234, email talk@youthline.co.nz, or find online chat and other support options here.

If you or someone else is in immediate danger call 111.

Need help? If you or someone you know is in a dangerous situation, click the Shielded icon at the bottom of this website to contact Women's Refuge in a safe and anonymous way without it being traced in your browser history. If you're in our app, visit the mobile website here to access Shielded.