Money must not be a barrier to accessing help with violence

Friday, 16 October 2020

Many of the men who wind up in living-without-violence programmes have lived through abuse and trauma in their own childhoods, says psychotherapist Kay Douglas.

OPINION: The statistics for family violence in New Zealand are shocking and shameful; among the highest in the world. So what can be done?

In my opinion, part of the answer is in offering people more opportunities for change by providing fully funded living without violence programmes for all who need them.

We can compare family violence to another significant and social/health issue: alcohol and drug abuse, for which free treatment is available throughout New Zealand.

Like domestic violence, these societal issues are recognised to create widespread, intergenerational and ongoing harm.

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Kay Douglas says that when men who have themselves suffered abuse as children come to realise there is a connection to their adult behaviour, they have something tangible to work with.

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I have co-facilitated men’s anti-violence programmes for more than 27 years. Many of the men who attend these programmes are sent by the courts because a protection order has been taken out against them or they have been referred by the Department of Corrections.

Men also self-refer, but often not until the relationship is hanging by a thread or there is a threatened or actual separation.

Men who attend living-without-violence programmes are shown how to develop better ways to regulate their emotions and behaviour

In my experience, the men often enter the programmes resistant and disgruntled, but often it doesn’t take too long before many begin to acknowledge the costs of their abuse not only to others but also to themselves.

When power and control are used against family members there may be an intoxicating buzz of power but then the true cost has to be faced: hurt and frightened family members, and damaged, and perhaps broken, relationships.

I know from my work that change is possible. The main reason I wrote Men Making Changes: Breaking the cycle of anger and abuse in family relationships was to highlight this fact.

I interviewed 30 men for this book. I wanted to share the stories that are rarely told, and also the strategies and positive outcomes of change. It is centred on the question ‘’what kind of man do you want to become?’’ This question invites men to consider what a life without abuse would look like.

It’s important for men to know that sustainable change is possible if they are prepared to seek the right kind of help and to work at it.

Many of the men who wind up in the living without violence programmes have lived through abuse and trauma in their own childhoods. Obviously this influences their adult behaviour, yet often this is not recognised by the men. When they make this connection they begin to make more sense of their behaviour and they have something tangible to work with.

As men begin to engage in programmes and take responsibility for their behaviour, they realise that, rather than blindly following old patterns, they can choose different options. They discover from other men’s stories that they are not alone. Others are changing their abusive behaviour, so there is hope.

They begin to consider the destructive beliefs that are driving their harmful actions. They develop better ways to regulate their emotions and behaviour. They try new skills and their relationships improve as a result.

Many men who go through the programme are vocal about the benefits they have gained. I have noticed that increasingly men are grateful for the opportunity the programme gives them to examine and change their behaviours. Often men say that they wish they had attended sooner.

I believe living without violence programmes should be available free of charge for every man or woman who would like to address their issues of anger and abuse within the family. If a person is willing to own up to concerns about their behaviour, help needs to be available for them to make a change.

Money should not be a barrier to this. Free programmes could be widely and extensively promoted as the opportunities they are to break the cycle of anger and abuse that is such a blight to our society.

Kay Douglas is a domestic violence survivor, a registered psychotherapist specialising in trauma abuse and anger, and the author of six books on the subjects, including the just-released Men Making Changes. https://www.kaydouglas.co.nz/